5 Signs That Your Daughter Has A Passive-Aggressive Friend.

Has your daughter ever come home in tears because of a friend who is acting mean, especially through passive-aggressive actions directed toward her?

This is a common theme that members of The Brave Girl Tribe frequently discuss during our calls, and it's also a challenge faced by many of my individual coaching clients.

Understanding and dealing with mean behavior can be perplexing and distressing for both parents and daughters. In this blog we'll dive into what passive-aggressive behavior really is, recognize the signs, and explore strategies to support your daughter through these challenging interactions.

This behavior might manifest as comments that seem polite on the surface but carry a hurtful undertone, or actions that appear cooperative but actually disrupt or delay outcomes. For example, it might look like giving a compliment that also sounds like a criticism, or agreeing to help with a school project but then procrastinating so much that it becomes unhelpful.

People who act in passive-aggressive ways often feel powerless or stuck, unable to communicate their true emotions directly due to fear or their own insecurity.

This leads them to express their feelings in subtle, confusing ways, such as a smile that doesn’t quite reach their eyes or enthusiastic agreements followed by minimal effort. Understanding this can help us see that their behavior is more about their struggles with communication and less about the intentions towards others.

5 Signs Your Daughter Has a Passive-Aggressive Friend
Sometimes, friends can act mean in subtle, passive-aggressive ways, making it harder to spot. Here are five signs of passive-aggressive behavior that your daughter might encounter in a friendship:

1. Sarcastic Comments: A friend might say something like, “Nice backpack, didn’t know we were still into unicorns,” which can feel confusing because it sounds like a compliment but feels mean.

2. Exclusion: Your daughter might learn about a party or outing she wasn’t invited to after the fact, often mentioned in a way that seems intended to make her feel left out.

3. Backhanded Compliments: Comments like, “You’re pretty brave to wear that outfit, I could never pull that off,” can undermine confidence under the guise of praise.

4. Procrastination: If a friend consistently delays returning borrowed items or drags their feet on joint assignments, it might be a sign of passive aggression.

5. The Silent Treatment: Suddenly, a friend might stop talking or responding to messages with no explanation, using silence as a weapon.

Passive-aggressive behaviors often arise from emotional triggers in relationships. Here are some key factors that may lead to such behavior in tween and teen girls:

Fear of Confrontation: Many girls prefer to avoid direct arguments or conflicts, fearing that expressing anger or disappointment might worsen a situation. This can lead them to express their feelings indirectly, such as through passive-aggressive actions.

Emotional Overwhelm: Managing emotions can be particularly challenging when compounded by stress, anxiety, or conditions like ADHD. This might result in girls responding with passive-aggressive behaviors, such as giving the silent treatment or withdrawing from interactions.

Difficulty Expressing Emotions: As girls are still developing their emotional intelligence, they may struggle to articulate feelings of anger or frustration clearly and constructively.

Fear of Rejection: Concerns about being left out or judged can cause girls to conceal their true emotions. Instead of being open, they might display their displeasure indirectly to avoid outright conflict but still signal that they are upset.

Self-Esteem Issues: Low self-esteem may lead some girls to resort to passive-aggressive behaviors as a defense mechanism, protecting themselves from direct criticism or negative evaluations.

Friendship Dynamics: Changes within friend groups or feelings of exclusion can prompt passive-aggressive reactions, such as excluding others or subtly spreading rumors, as a way to cope with or influence social hierarchies.

Understanding these triggers can help us support our girls in recognizing this in their friendships..

Encourage Open Dialogue: Help her express her feelings about confusing interactions with friends. Role-play conversations where she can practice using “I feel” statements to express her emotions directly.

Foster Empathy: Discuss why some people might behave in passive-aggressive ways. Understanding that this behavior often stems from insecurity or fear can foster empathy and patience, without excusing the behavior.

Promote Positive Friendships: Encourage your daughter to spend time with friends who uplift and support her. Positive social interactions can buffer the effects of negative ones.

Set Boundaries: Teach her to set clear boundaries with friends. If someone frequently uses passive-aggression, it’s okay to take a step back from that friendship.

Model Healthy Communication: Demonstrate direct and respectful communication in your own interactions. Showing her how to express feelings openly can provide her with a template for her own relationships.

Navigating friendships is a critical skill that will serve your daughter well throughout her life. By understanding and addressing passive-aggressive behavior, she can develop healthier, more supportive relationships.
To further support your daughter here are additional tools and resources to meet her at any age.

If your daughter is experiencing middle school challenges such as relational aggression, bullying, and friendship dynamics, consider enrolling her in the Survive & Thrive in Middle School course. This comprehensive resource includes over 64 video lessons tailored to help parents and daughters navigate these tricky waters. Additionally, for girls facing issues with mean friends, popularity, or relational aggression, our course offers practical videos and strategies.

We also invite parents of girls in 5th to 8th grades to join the Brave Girl Tribe as our GUEST. This community is designed to support young girls in building confidence, fostering resilience, and creating lasting friendships.

For those with high school daughters seeking additional support, we encourage you to sign up for our High School Support Group. This program is tailored to address the unique challenges faced by older teens, providing them with the tools they need to thrive during these formative years.

Here are some of our favorite downloads to support your daughter if she's dealing with a passive-aggressive friend. You’ll find practical tools to help her navigate this challenge, and we have many more resources available on our Tools/Resources Page for you to explore.

How To Have A Difficult Conversation Download now
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships Download now
Boundaries Worksheets Download now
Do's and Don'ts in Friendship Worksheet Download now
Boundary Setting Phrases Download now
Friendship Conflict Iceberg Poster Download now

By equipping your daughter with the right tools and support, you can help her build a foundation of strong, healthy relationships that will benefit her throughout her life.

Warmly,

Laura Hayes
Founder of The Brave Girl Project
Life Coach for Tween & Teen Girls
www.TheBraveGirlProject.com
[email protected]
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