Recognizing Sabotaging Friends: A Guide for Parents and Teens

Has your daughter experienced a friend who seems to be quietly trying to turn others against her?

Perhaps this friend shares negative stories about your daughter when she isn’t around or makes subtle, backhanded comments in front of their friends.

Maybe your daughter has tried to talk to this friend to understand why she’s acting this way, only to be met with denial or no clear explanation.

This kind of behavior often comes from insecurity; the friend may be afraid others will like your daughter more and, in trying to avoid feeling left out, resort to behaviors that undermine your daughter.

If your daughter is dealing with a friend like this, it can be painful and confusing to navigate. Here are some ways you can support her through this challenging experience—helping her stay confident, set healthy boundaries, and strengthen her positive friendships.

The first step in supporting your daughter is helping her to become aware of the signs of insecure, sabotaging behaviors, such as:

• Spreading rumors or unkind stories to affect how others see her
• Making backhanded compliments that leave her feeling confused or hurt
• Excluding her from social activities or gatherings
• Trying to outshine her in group settings or conversations
• Excessive jealousy when other friends spend time with your daughter
• When she understands these patterns, she’s more likely to view the friend’s actions as a reflection of insecurity rather than a personal failure.

Here are some questions that might help your daughter identify the reason behind their friend's maladaptive behaviors.

 It is important to teach your daughter that, while it’s natural to feel hurt, staying calm and centered can be her greatest strength:

• Avoid retaliating with gossip or negative talk; focusing on her own friendships will protect her peace.
• Reassure her that she’s not at fault for her friend’s insecurity, and her worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s opinions.
• Explain that insecurity often drives these behaviors and encourage her to see the situation from this perspective.

If your daughter feels comfortable talking to her friend, help her prepare for a calm, private conversation. You can download our How To Have A Difficult Conversation Workbook to help you support your daughter. Download it now.

• Encourage “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”), which can ease tension and help her express her feelings clearly.
• Be specific about the behaviors she’s noticed and how they’ve affected her.
• Ask if there’s an underlying issue that might be contributing to her friend’s actions.
• Set boundaries together, discussing what is acceptable and healthy in a friendship. You can download our Boundaries Workbook - Download now.

Strengthening connections with supportive friends is essential and can help her weather the storm. I know this can be difficult for our daughters who don't have many friends or only belong to one friend group.

• Encourage quality time with friends who uplift her and treat her well.
• Teach her to be open and genuine in these relationships, letting her actions and character shine.
  Remind her that positive friendships will speak for themselves, regardless of any negativity around her.
• Encourage your daughter to seek additional friendships and connections, as it is essential not to be too dependent on just one friend or friend group.
• Teach her the value of being open to new friendships that align with her values and bring positivity.

Remind your daughter that it’s okay to ask for support when things feel overwhelming:

• Be her listening ear, allowing her to share frustrations and find comfort in a safe space.
• Suggest a counselor if the situation begins to impact her well-being; a neutral party can help her work through emotions constructively.
• Take steps if the situation escalates to bullying or harassment by involving school support or other resources.

Sometimes, even after addressing the issue, the behavior may not improve. Help your daughter understand that it’s okay to reevaluate the friendship:

• Encourage her to limit time with friends who don’t uplift her, focusing on positive and supportive relationships.
• Explain that distancing herself from toxic behavior is a form of self-respect.
• Empower her to step back when a friendship becomes draining, reinforcing that healthy boundaries are key.

Ultimately, remind your daughter that true friendships lift her up and support her growth. While it’s natural to empathize with a friend’s struggles, she shouldn’t feel obligated to tolerate behaviors that harm her well-being. Encourage her to seek out friendships that bring out the best in her, and let her know that she deserves kindness and respect in all her relationships.

I'm thrilled to introduce our new bi-weekly Support Group for High School Girls—a safe space where your daughters can explore their feelings, connect with peers facing similar experiences, and receive guidance tailored to the unique trials of high school life. Here, they’ll find a welcoming environment that encourages open communication, mutual support, and personal growth. 

Be our guest!
We meet every other Sunday.
Sign up for our next meeting and join our supportive community.
1:00 pm EST / 12:00 pm CST / 10:00 am PST.

 Click here to RSVP and receive the Zoom link.

Our Middle School Community be a Guest!

Join The Brave Girl Tribe Community for Middle School Girls: Ongoing Enrollment for Middle School Girls!

If your daughter is in 5th to 8th grade, encourage her to join The Brave Girl Tribe, our thriving online group dedicated to helping young girls build friendships, boost self-confidence, and manage the stressors of growing up. We’d love for her to join us as our next guest on an upcoming Sunday call, where she’ll connect with other girls navigating similar experiences.

Simply click here to register and support your daughter in becoming part of a supportive, empowering community!

Warmly,

Laura Hayes
Founder of The Brave Girl Project
Life Coach for Tween & Teen Girls
www.TheBraveGirlProject.com
[email protected]
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