Understanding Teen Popularity

As I approached the start of 8th grade, my family moved to a new town several states away from where I had grown up. That summer, I was buzzing with dreams of becoming popular at my new middle school. Many girls envision returning to school and suddenly finding themselves part of the popular group. However, we often discover that reality doesn't live up to the lofty hopes and dreams we nurture over the summer.

This past weekend in The Brave Girl Tribe, the girls shared their own stories about friends who have left them behind for the more popular group. It’s a common experience, but that doesn’t make it any less challenging.

Understanding the different types of popularity and how perceptions change from the tween to teen years can help us better support our daughters. Let's explore these concepts and practical strategies to guide our girls in navigating their social worlds.

Types of Popularity

Research focuses on two different types of popularity: Status-Based Popularity vs. Likability.

•  Status-Based Popularity: This popularity involves visibility, dominance, and influence within a peer group. It is often associated with being "cool" or having social power but does not necessarily mean being well-liked.
• Likability: This type of popularity reflects how well-liked a person is by their peers, based on prosocial behaviors and positive traits. Likable individuals make others feel good, included, and valued.

Tween Girls (Ages 9-12) focus more on Likability and Social Acceptance and see popularity as more about being well-liked and having close friendships. They still focus more on prosocial interactions with their peers.

Teen Girls (Ages 13-18) rapidly shift their focus to Status-Based Popularity, focusing on who is visibly seen as popular and holds the most social influence. Teen girls show a greater emphasis on social hierarchies and peer approval, which often leads to competitive or aggressive behaviors to maintain social standing.
As a parent, it might be hard to tell if your daughter is caught up in a quest to become popular, but recognizing these signs can help you understand her social focus and guide her more effectively.

What to Watch For:
1. Social Status Talk:
If your daughter often mentions who's popular, wishes to join certain groups, or cares a lot about being seen with the "right" people, she might be placing too much value on social status.

2. Shifting Friendships:
Does she drop long-time buddies for new, more popular friends? This could be her trying to climb the social ladder.

3. New Behaviors and Styles:
Watch for changes in her clothing, interests, or even how she talks—especially if they seem geared towards fitting in with the popular crowd.

4. Obsession with Social Media:
An uptick in her social media use, chasing likes and followers, or being overly concerned about her online image could be a red flag.

5. Emotional Rollercoaster:
Notice how she reacts to social ups and downs. Extreme distress or happiness about social events can show a deep concern for her popularity.

6. Conforming Under Pressure:
If she's starting to give in to peer pressure or trying new behaviors that don't fit her usual self, it’s worth a conversation.

7. The Parental Mirror:
Sometimes, our own worries about social standings can rub off on our kids. Let’s be mindful of what we discuss and emphasize at home.

Being aware of these signs gives us a chance to step in with support and perspective, helping our daughters find true friendship and self-worth beyond the social ladder.

Equip Yourself with the Friendship Challenges Toolkit

Navigating the complexities of friendships can be challenging for young girls. That's why we've developed the Friendship Challenges Toolkit, perfect for parents and daughters alike. This comprehensive toolkit includes:

• Parental Guidance Flowchart
• Flow of Friendship
• Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendship Quiz 
• Conflict Iceberg

Click Here to access the toolkit and start empowering your daughter today!

Supporting Daughters Seeking Popularity

1. Educate About Popularity Types: Explain the difference between status-based popularity and likability. Emphasize the long-term benefits of being likable over merely being visible or influential.
2. Model Positive Social Behaviors: Demonstrate how to interact with others in ways that make people feel valued and included. Your behavior sets a powerful example.
3. Foster Secure Attachments: Ensure your daughter feels secure and supported. A secure attachment helps her explore social relationships confidently.
4. Encourage Emotional Regulation: Teach your daughter to manage her emotions effectively. Children who can regulate their emotions tend to handle social situations better.
5. Promote High-Quality Friendships: Encourage seeking meaningful and supportive friendships rather than focusing solely on social status.
6. Facilitate Social Opportunities: Arrange social activities and playdates, especially when she is younger. Gradually reduce your involvement to allow her to manage her own social life.
7. Be Available for Conversations: Maintain open lines of communication. Discuss social experiences, help her reflect on outcomes, and problem-solve together.
8. Balance Guidance and Independence: Provide guidance when necessary but allow your daughter to navigate social situations independently as she matures. 

The Survive and Thrive in Middle School Course for Parents and Daughters contains lessons to help you and your daughter navigate the pull of popularity and the shifting friendships that occur during middle school. This is the perfect course to help the two of you before school starts. Click here to take advantage of my summer coupon. Use the code SUMMER at checkout to save 15% off the course.

Explore Our Course Page at The Brave Girl Project Website

Discover a wide array of tools and resources specially designed for you and your daughter. Dive into our offerings to find essential support that could be instrumental in helping your daughter develop a positive mindset and confidence in her friendships. See what else might benefit both of you!

Click Here to access our course page and start exploring today!

Warmly,

Laura Hayes
Founder of The Brave Girl Project
Life Coach for Tween & Teen Girls
www.TheBraveGirlProject.com
[email protected]
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