Why Being Excluded Hurts: Parent Strategies for Supporting Teens

This week, a concerned parent shared with me a difficult situation their daughter is experiencing, which may resonate with many of you.

"My daughter was recently informed by two friends that she and her best friend are not included in their prom plans. The reason given was that the group doesn't like her best friend. Out of concern for her friend’s feelings, my daughter has chosen not to share this reason with her. She confessed to feeling deeply hurt by what she considered her closest group of friends. My daughter is conflicted about encouraging her best friend to find someone else to go to prom with and seeing if she could still join the larger group. She’s upset about missing out on the group activities, especially the large group pictures at prom. She’s starting to suspect that the group's issue with her best friend might actually be a pretext for excluding her as well. Seeing her so affected by this situation leaves me unsure about the best way to support her or what advice to give."

When Your Daughter Isn't Invited

I know we can all relate to the heartbreak that this girl and her mom may be feeling. It hurts so much to be excluded, and it makes sense that this girl is now second-guessing how her friends feel about her.

Why Exclusion Hurts So Deeply

1. Our Need for Belonging:
Humans have a basic psychological need to belong to a group or community, which is very true for our kids and teens. This need for social connections is as fundamental as the need for food or shelter. When someone is excluded, it directly impacts this basic need, making them feel isolated and undervalued.

2. Self-Esteem:
Being excluded can lead to doubts about one's self-worth and desirability as a friend or group member. It can trigger feelings of inadequacy and lower self-esteem, as individuals might blame themselves for being rejected.

3. Control and Predictability:
Exclusion can disrupt one's sense of control over social interactions and the predictability of social life. This uncertainty can be unsettling and lead to feelings of helplessness, as individuals may not know how to improve their situation or prevent future occurrences.

4. Identity and Social Roles:
People define themselves partly through their social relationships and group memberships. Exclusion can challenge one's identity and the roles one plays within social settings, leading to a sense of loss and confusion about one's place in the world.

Understanding the deep pain caused by exclusion can equip us as parents and caregivers to support our daughters better when they face these challenges.

While it might be tempting to tell our daughters, 'If that's how your friends treat you, then they aren't real friends,' such statements don't alleviate your daughter's pain or rejection.

In fact, they might discourage your daughter from opening up to you. She may interpret this response as you don't want to hear her complain, or that you never approved of her friends or this is what she gets for choosing to spend time with "those friends".

Instead, acknowledging her feelings and providing a space where she can share her hurt openly without judgment can help her heal and navigate these complex social dynamics.
Here Is How You Can Support Your Daughter

Validate and Empathize:
Begin by acknowledging how hurtful the situation is. It's important for her to hear that her feelings are valid and that it's perfectly normal to feel upset about being excluded, especially under such circumstances. You might say, "It really sucks that you're going through this, and it's okay to feel hurt." This kind of validation can be incredibly comforting.

Encourage Open Communication:
Ensure she knows she can talk about her feelings whenever she needs to. Creating a safe space for her to express her emotions without judgment will help her process what has happened. This ongoing dialogue will also give you insights into how best to support her moving forward.

Discuss the Dynamics:
It might be helpful to explain that group dynamics can often lead to complex social situations like this one, where the voices of a few can overshadow the desires of the many. This might help her understand that such situations aren't always personal and often more about the group's management challenges than about individual dislikes.

Explore Options and Values:
Once she has had a chance to express and process her feelings, guide her to think about what she can control and what aligns with her values. Does she want to try to discuss the situation with the group? Would she prefer to plan an alternative prom night with others who might also feel left out or perhaps with just her best friend? Sometimes, looking for alternative ways to celebrate can lead to even more meaningful experiences. Also, gentle reminders that prom is just one night and doesn't define her high school experience can help put things into perspective, but use this with caution as we don't want to minimize her experiences.

Manage Your Own Feelings:
As you guide her through this process, be mindful of your own feelings. If you find yourself feeling deeply affected, it might be helpful to speak with someone who can offer perspective and support, such as a fellow parent, friend, or counselor. Managing your emotions will help you stay strong and supportive of your daughter. I know it can be very upsetting to see our kids hurt and it is normal for you to also be impacted.Brave Girl, You Are More Than One Night!

If you find yourself not invited to prom or feeling left out from other big events, it's okay to feel disappointed or hurt—those feelings are valid. But remember, your worth isn't determined by a single night or by who invites you to a party. Life is full of moments and opportunities to shine, and sometimes, the best moments are the unexpected ones you create for yourself.

With the prevalence of social media, seeing promposal pictures and group photos can intensify feelings of exclusion. If this becomes overwhelming, it might be helpful to take a break from social media. This allows you to focus on your well-being and avoid the pressure of comparing your experiences with others.

Take this as an opportunity to do something different. Maybe organize an alternative event with others who might feel the same way, or treat yourself to something special that celebrates who you are. Whatever you choose, make it a night to remember for the reasons that matter to you. Use this experience to embrace your independence and creativity.

It's natural to feel a bit alone when faced with situations like these, especially if it seems like you don't have the support you need right now. Remember that often, these experiences lead to new beginnings and the chance to meet people who align more closely with your values and interests. Keep an open mind, and be kind to yourself during these times. New connections are often just around the corner, ready to appreciate and uplift you for who you truly are.

Warmly,

Laura Hayes
Founder of The Brave Girl Project
Life Coach for Tween & Teen Girls
www.TheBraveGirlProject.com
[email protected]
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