Why is my friend so mean- Podcast
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[00:00:00] hi, Brave Friends, and welcome back to the Brave Girl Project podcast. Today, we're tackling the tough question, Why is my friend so mean?
Whether you're a brave girl in middle school or high school, or a brave parent looking for support for your daughter. I am so glad that you're here. Stay tuned to the end because I have two tools. I want to share with you. One that's going to help you have a difficult conversation with that friend.
As well as my tool to determine how healthy or unhealthy your friendship is. ,
if you're new to me, my name is Laura Hayes. I'm the founder of the Brave Girl Project, and I am a school counselor and life coach that supports tween and teen girls and their parents in helping them develop the skills they need to live life bravely.
Most of us have encountered a friend who suddenly becomes mean. Which leaves us feeling sad, confused, hurt, and stressed.
Today, we're going to look at [00:01:00] the social and emotional triggers that may be causing your friend to be mean as well as some of the developmental reasons and some of their personal factors that are influencing their behaviors.
Many people struggle with insecurity and low self esteem, which can lead to putting down other people in part, maybe to help them feel better about themselves.
Understanding your friend's self esteem can provide insights into their behaviors. So how secure is your friend? What is their self esteem like?
Some friends use mean behaviors to gain or maintain their social power, viewing it as a tool to dominate or control their friends or their peer group.
Additionally the fear of rejection or being excluded. Can drive people to use meanness as a defense mechanism another factor is social status and popularity. In my group, the brave [00:02:00] girl tribe.
One of the girls shared something that I love. She said, sometimes friends are chasing popularity points. They may use mean behavior
to prevent them from rejection and exclusion, and to also gain popularity.
And there are developmental reasons why girls become mean, remember, we all develop at different times. . Some girls may lack some of those mature social skills needed to handle complex friendships, which may lead them to use unintentional hurtful behavior.
And another factor that influences someone's ability to self regulate are the other stressors that are going on in their life. So be curious. Is your friend going through a lot of stressors right now? How socially mature is your friend?
Do they find it hard to regulate their intense feelings and they're more likely to lash out or say things impulsively without thinking [00:03:00] clearly through what they should say or do when they feel overwhelmed.
Considering your friends developmental stages might help you understand some of the behaviors you are experiencing.
And of course, there's always external factors that may be impacting why your friend is being mean now.
Unfortunately, society expects girls to always be nice and kind.
Many girls don't know how to express their anger, frustration or hurt. So we sometimes see passive aggressive behaviors. , this may look like your friend excluding you, talking about a party that you're not invited to. Telling someone that there's a secret they need to share and then walking away from you making you feel like there's something going on that you're not supposed to know about, or that they're perhaps talking about you.
Another external factor that influences your friend being mean to you is the desire to fit in and to be popular. There is a lot of peer pressure to [00:04:00] be accepted, which may encourage mean behavior. Especially if it seems like that's a shortcut to being accepted into this exclusive group. Another external factor is media, which often glamorizes mean girl behavior.
How might social media, movies, TVs be impacting how your friend treats you or shows up as a friend?
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Personal issues like jealousy or envy over your achievements or your relationships can manifest as meanness., Your friend may also be experiencing displaced anger from other areas of their life, taking it out on the relationship that they feel closest to, which may be you,
maybe their parents are going through a difficult time. There may be other stressors that are impacting how they are treating you.
And sometimes mean behavior is a cry for attention, power, or control.
What are the possible reasons behind your friends mean behavior?
So Here are the signs of a [00:05:00] toxic friend that I want you to pay attention to. If you feel that your friend is constantly belittling or criticizing you, /this is a red flag. A friend should be accepting, supportive, encouraging of you.
The second sign of a toxic friend.
Is if this friend demands your attention without giving support back to you, if it's all about them, that is a sign of a toxic friend, there should be give and take and it should be mutually supportive.
The third is if your friend always portrays themselves as the victim, that is a definite red flag.
If your friend does not take responsibility for their actions, this is also a red flag.
If your friend frequently makes you feel guilty or manipulate situations to serve their interests, this is a sign of a toxic friend.
If they blame you for their problems. Or if they play the victim to gain sympathy, yes, red flag.
If your friend ignores your boundaries,
If they push you to do things you do not feel comfortable [00:06:00] doing, if they share your personal secrets. If your friend is continually envious or jealous of your achievements if they minimize your successes
A toxic friend that often demands your attention and support while showing little regard for your needs. They monopolize the conversation or they expect you to drop everything for them.
If after spending time with this friend, you feel drained or you're in a worse mood, this may be the sign of a toxic friend. And if you can't be yourself around this friend, , you worry about being rejected or their reaction, that is a red flag to be aware of. And another big red flag is if your friend tries to isolate you from other friendships or control who you spend time with.
That's a big red flag in our friendships and our dating relationships.
In communicating with this friend. I want you to first pay attention to choosing the right time and place. We want to make sure that it [00:07:00] is a private place that you talk with this friend and that you feel comfortable in this setting
This ensures that both you and your friend can express yourselves without distractions or pressures from other outside friends. It's so important to use I statements to avoid sounding accusatory. "I feel hurt when you make those comments." ," I feel hurt when we make plans and you cancel them at the last minute."
It's important to be direct, but also kind. Clearly stating that the behavior is hurtful
It might sound first, like" I really value our friendship, but I need to talk about how some of your comments make me feel."
This opens the door for a constructive conversation. It's important to let your friend know what you need moving forward from them.
Sometimes using humor can lighten the mood or diffuse some of the tension. If you are uncomfortable addressing this issue alone, consider talking to a trusted adult or friend about the situation
and seeing if they have some advice that might help support you in having [00:08:00] this difficult conversation with your friend. Make sure to download my free tool because this will help you.
After expressing your feelings with your friend, observe their reaction. How do they respond if they show remorse and they're making an effort to make changes in the relationship.
Yes, it may be worth continuing the friendship.
However, if they dismiss your feelings or continue to use mean behavior, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
If you feel nervous about having this conversation with your friend, practice beforehand, role play in front of the mirror, role play with your parent or another friend. This can be very helpful in building your confidence and help you feel more confident in what you're going to say.
And understand that your friend, despite how well you communicate with them, may react defensively or may not realize how their behavior has been impacting you. But it is important to be clear and firm in expressing your needs.
I know how much it hurts when you have a friend that is being mean. Oftentimes it has very [00:09:00] little to do with you and remember there may be social and emotional factors , at play, external factors as well as their developmental And personal issues
take a look at how healthy your friendship is
and download how to have a difficult conversation to help support you in communicating your needs to your friends
I hope you found this episode helpful. I would love it if you shared it with a friend.
There are lots of different resources on my website, the brave girl project. com as well as different courses and memberships to support middle and high school girls. And you can follow me at the brave girl project on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. So with that sweet friends continue to live life bravely and I can't wait to see you in the next one.
Take care, sweet friends.
